When the last kid moves out, most people expect to feel sad. We did too, until we actually sat down and talked about it. What we found is that empty nest syndrome isn't really about missing the kids. It's about what happens to your marriage once they're gone.
In this episode of Rollin' With the Dolans, we asked each other how we'll feel when the last of our kids is out of the house, dug into the numbers on couples over 50, and talked about what we plan to do with all that extra time. Our answers weren't exactly the same, and that's part of what made it fun.
How Will We Feel When the Last Kid Leaves?
We started with the simple question: how will you feel when the last of our kids is out of the house? The first answer was a lot calmer than you might expect.
I will feel like I can rest in my little nest or cocoon.
There will be some sadness at first, but it won't last long.
I will be sad probably the first couple weeks. I'll miss them, I'll check on them. But once I realize I have so much freedom, I think I'll be just fine.
The funny part was the dinner situation. One of us has always liked having a built-in crew to go out to eat with, and the kids have always been the ones who get dragged along.
Now you won't have anybody to force to do anything you want to do.
We also admitted that one of us has been a parent for 29 years and is a little exhausted. And we have more than enough to keep us busy. The bigger question is what happens to couples who don't.
The Empty Shell Factor
Before we recorded, we did some research, and the numbers stopped us in our tracks.
They call it the empty shell factor, where many parents stay together for decades just for the sake of the kids.
That name sounds sad because it is. And it shows up in the divorce numbers too: about 36 to 40 percent of all divorces now happen to couples aged 50 or older.
Our take is that a lot of those couples are waiting for something.
I think a lot of parents think, "Okay, we don't want to do it to the kids while they're still living here, so it'll be easier to explain to them once they're gone that we're not together anymore."
They might never say it out loud, but they might feel it. And when we asked each other how many people we know who stay together just for the kids, the answer was "a lot."
Is It Better to Stay Together for the Kids?
We went a little off topic here, but it's too important to skip. Our answer was quick, and we agreed.
Absolutely not.
Kids are a lot smarter than we give them credit for. They learn what a relationship looks like from the one they see at home.
If they see a relationship that's unloving, dad going one way, mom going the other, they'll think that's normal. If there's no affection in the home, they'll think that's normal.
Some of our kids talk about their friends who are in that situation, and it's not like they don't know. Even really young kids can feel the tension, the anxiety, and the lack of love in the house. So what are you really gaining by waiting until they go to college?
The Loss of Primary Focus
Another thing that came up in our research is something called the loss of primary focus. Parents put all their time and energy into the kids' baseball, volleyball, and everything else. Then the kids leave, and there's nothing left to focus on.
Some couples decide on purpose that they'll wait until the kids graduate and then deal with the marriage. Others never realize how much of their life the kids absorbed. Either way, waiting for the right moment rarely fixes anything.
There's always a trigger they're looking for, and a lot of times that trigger happens and nothing changes afterward.
We all do it. "I'll exercise once this happens." "I'll start going to church once that happens." Deep down, most people already know whether they feel that bond, and they're hoping something else will change it for them.
We're Not Marriage Bashers
At this point we realized we sounded like we were telling everyone to get a divorce today, so we stopped to clarify.
I think if you marry someone early, before you have kids, just do it one time, because divorce does hurt everyone involved. It hurts the couple, it hurts the kids. And I'm a believer that people can be married forever and it can work out if you start on a very healthy foundation.
That's what we want for our kids too.
I tell our kids all the time, "Don't be like me, just get married one time, and that's it."
The real point of this conversation wasn't divorce. It was how to avoid it. If you have that foundation, what will you do when the kids leave? Start planning your post-kid strategy sooner rather than later, and get excited about it.
Our Empty Nester Strategy
So we asked ourselves the same question. What's our empty nester strategy?
Oh, we've got about ten things on our roadmap.
Or is it a vision board? Depends on the day. One of us built an online vision board because the physical one is still sitting there. We have a lot of projects we want to tackle, hobbies to focus on, and traveling to do. And we just like hanging out. There's also a lot of binge watching on the list.
Some of what we've covered before is part of that plan: scheduling vacations for our marriage, how time away reduces stress, date nights, staycations, and even starting a business together.
Listen to the full conversation wherever you get your podcasts. If this one hits close to home and you want to build a plan instead of just talking about it, that's the exact work we do one-on-one through our coaching practice, Get Your Life Rollin'.